Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable.

I selected the title quote today on purpose. It makes me feel a little better about these random, drive by acts of journaling I've been committing here on a quasi-irregular basis. Especially since today is going to be more of the same, and I've convinced myself - at last - that there is nothing wrong with being perfectly okay with that.

It is what it is, I yam what I yam, and the more I try to force the issue, the less inclined I am to visit this space at all.

But!

So far, I must confess, 2012 has been a year full of living/doing/being with intention, and I am most pleased with the way so much accidental wonder has fallen into my life as a result. While I can't pinpoint a specific reason, no particular cause and effect, it feels as though I'm walking through days with a smile in my soul these days. It's a feeling I would happily wish for everyone, the whole world over, and one I would personally bestow, if I could.

My own journey to this place of peace and serenity has been a long, sometimes cumbersome, oftentimes confusing one. But I think those are the very reasons why I recognize it now, and why I cherish it so much. It's probably also why this gift clearly isn't mine to give away, but one we all have to find a way to bestow upon ourselves.

Let me be clear: this feeling has nothing to do with perfection, or with having reached a final destiny, or with being finished, in any way, shape or form. It has everything to do with understanding, accepting, adjusting, and growing.

Always with the growing.

For the first time in a lot of years - maybe ever - I feel true to myself. It's freeing. Expansive. Different. Exhilarating.Thought provoking. Challenging.

It's smile-in-the-soul making.

______________

On Friday, I carved out a little corner of my bedroom and created a reading - meditating - writing - quiet time spending nook. It's cozy and warm and lovely. There are candles, a few of my favorite books, a couple of journals - both in progress and blank, a coaster for my cup of tea, a container for pens, bookmarks, and highlighters. There's a lamp that used to belong to my grandmother, a chair with an ottoman, a soft, fleecy throw. There's a bay window at my back, with three windows, offering three different vistas of my neighborhood. There is a little iPod dock for music, should I be so inclined. There are photos of my favorite people within view. There is a basket full of 'Whole Living' magazines, waiting to be read, digested, adapted.

It's nothing huge, not even a really significant physical change from what was already there. But its aura is completely different, because in my mind's eye, I see it in a completely different light. 

And it really *is* quite lovely, in both intention and fact.

So why have I spent nearly three days walking past it, looking longingly - and passively - at the offered peace, while actively avoiding settling in to enjoy it?

Because I am ridiculous. In SO MANY WAYS.

But I'm sitting here now. Taking a few minutes to stroke a bit of journaling out of my poor, overwrought grey matter. Filling in some blanks in my planner, plotting the week ahead. Reading an article on the joys of yoga, and contemplating making my way back to a new starting point to practice again. Enjoying the sunlight powering through the closed blinds at my back.

Breathing, in and out, and being a little awed at how that whole process happens whether I give it a second thought or not. Heh.

Sipping a cup of pomegranate green tea with a bag tag that reads, "The trust that others place in you is your grace."

What of the trust I place in myself?

That is my constant struggle.

If I ever fully achieve it? Well, that will be my moment of personal grace.

I'm not there yet - far from it.

But do believe I'm getting a little closer, with every passing day.

There's a smile in my soul telling me so.

 _____

*Title quote by Francis Bacon. 

Comments

[Mary]

Your little nook sounds divine! I use to have one when I was a kid. An old discarded arm chair that I could settle in and read facing the side window that enabled me to keep track of the going on of the street below.

[kelly]

:)
somehow, 2012 is giving me the same feeling. and i'm planning to enjoy it while it lasts!

your new space sounds lovely.