Life Imitating Art
I was loading the dishwasher when the phone rang.
J: Hello?
Mom: Jen? Hey! I need your input.
J: On?
Mom: Well...I was at the funeral home today making some arrangements.
J: (drops pot in sink) Wha??
Mom: You know we both want to be cremated. I'm just trying to get things in order so we don't have to worry about it later.
J: Mom, if you're gone, you won't be worrying about anything. And you shouldn't scare a person like that, all out of the blue. But okay. Yes. You want to be cremated.
Mom: Yes! And well, don't you think it's nice of me to want to make the arrangements now? I don't want you to be dealing with this stuff in your time of constant sorrow.
J: Okay, okay. Yes, it's very sweet of you. Um. Thank you?
Mom: Well, anyway...oh! They've got the nicest food selection and everything. You won't have to lift a finger. And I'm getting a great price planning it for both of us at the same time.
J: You mean, a "two-fer" kind of thing?
Mom: Yes! Isn't that wonderful! Anyway...stop laughing and listen...oh! Another thing! If you want to see us before...you know...you have 24 hours to get here. It's the law. So you'll have to hurry. But you won't have to worry! That's a fair trade, don't you think?
J: Um...
Mom: JENNIFER DEA STOP LAUGHING! Listen, here's the thing. The reason I called. They have these really nice urns and such, but I don't know. They didn't really appeal to me. And what would you do with me in an urn, stuff me in the attic somewhere?
J: Mother. Seriously. My stomach hurts. Stop it.
Mom: Okay. So we talked about it and he had some really super ideas. Just terrific! I'm so excited...
J: Really? Excited? I can't hardly wait...
Mom: Here's the question. Ready?
J: Shoot.
Mom: Would you like us as a birdbath?
J: Wha??
Mom: Or you could get us as a sundial! Wouldn't that be neat?
J: ...
Mom: You could put it in your garden and every now and then you could yell out the window, "Hey Dad! What time is it?"
Love that.
Posted by: TheCapitanofThisBoat | October 11, 2008 at 02:49 PM
Brilliant.
Posted by: patita | October 10, 2008 at 05:10 PM
I'd opt for the sundial.
Yelling to ask your dad what time it is?!
Irreverent and hysterical.
I adore your mother.
Posted by: renn | October 09, 2008 at 10:31 PM
That was fun.
Posted by: Marsha | October 09, 2008 at 06:18 PM
I want your mom to adopt me. Tell her I'm housebroken.
Posted by: Phyllis | October 09, 2008 at 06:01 PM
Oh, sure, now you tell me. I'm sorry. Back to lurking.
Posted by: Paul is a Hermit | October 09, 2008 at 01:35 PM
Okay.....you've given me the primo laugh du jour. Beautiful funny stuff :)
Posted by: poopie | October 09, 2008 at 12:51 PM
OMG, Jen, this is hilarious AND beautiful. Take it from a woman who had to take care of ALL of the arrangements for her father's cremation and memorial while still in a state of complete shock and now has to weather regular "very special phone calls" in grave morbid tones from her mother who has no qualms about making demands about what she wants to happen after she's dead but refuses to make any actual arrangements. I'm madly in love with your Mom right now.
In fact I'm going to be smiling all day, thanks to you both!
Posted by: K. | October 09, 2008 at 11:36 AM
My mom has made certain arrangements too. Our conversation, though, was not nearly this amusing.
If you're taking votes: birdbath. :)
Posted by: Deborah | October 09, 2008 at 10:35 AM
I needed that first thing this morning. Your mom is a riot!
Posted by: wordnerd | October 09, 2008 at 09:04 AM
That was *my* mother...talking to me. She's about a mess.
Posted by: Jennifer | October 09, 2008 at 07:06 AM
Growing up then and now, must be a trip around that place.
Can Scott and her mix you guys up and each get half? I mean as something. Or will that dilute you too much?
Posted by: Paul is a Hermit | October 09, 2008 at 12:37 AM
Ok , I am laughing...very funny stuff. I'd go for the birdbath personally...:)
Posted by: pat | October 08, 2008 at 07:55 PM